Orcavid presents as a mild, persistent enthusiasm for one species of dolphin. It ends with the species running the planet. Between those two points there are five stages, no cure, and an unusually good tote bag.
One enthusiast, on a boat, in poor weather, produces 2.4 more. The weather helps. The boat is optional. The enthusiast is not.
Precisely one salmon-hat cycle. Our epidemiologists noticed this in 1987 and have not been the same since.
No documented case has resolved. Two people claimed recovery in 1994. Both were on a boat within the year.
It has never hurt anyone, cost anyone anything, or made anyone worse. This is by some distance the most suspicious thing about it.
Each stage unlocks an achievement. Achievements cannot be removed. We checked. We asked the System. The System laughed, which we didn’t know it could do.
Has recently said the words “wait, orcas are dolphins?” out loud, to nobody. Has looked up how long they live. Has not yet looked up what they eat, which is a mercy.
Knows there are ecotypes. Has opinions about marine parks and shares them at dinner. Has watched the documentary once and described it as “important,” which is Stage 2 for “devastating.”
Refers to pods by letter. Has watched the documentary a second time “just to be sure.” Was sure the first time. Owns binoculars that were bought for one specific purpose and used for no other.
Has used the word “matriline” in the presence of a plumber. Has purchased a folding chair some years in advance of any stated need for one. Cannot explain the chair. Does not try.
An unexplained and entirely persistent calm regarding the future. No longer locks the door. Reads the board minutes voluntarily. When asked who should be in charge of the planet, gestures gently toward the sea and changes the subject.
Maintained by the Containment Office, updated after every incident, and read by nobody until it’s too late, which is the only time anyone reads a register.
| Vector | Risk | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| The documentary | Extreme | Patient zero for the entire outbreak. Ninety minutes. Still streaming. We have written to them. |
| A ferry, in weather | Extreme | The rail. Standing at it. Saying nothing. This is transmission in its purest form and also our recruitment strategy. |
| The fourth Star Trek film | Airborne | Time travel to save whales. The only vector that is also a plan. We are not equipped to counter a plan. |
| The one with the boy and the boombox | Moderate | Nostalgic strain. Mild in adults, severe in anyone who was nine in 1993. Freed a whale in ninety minutes, which the Liberation Office would like to discuss. |
| The clownfish film | Low | Produces the “fish are friends” pledge, which is charming, unenforceable, and unknown to the Bigg’s ecotype. |
| The shark one | None | Wrong animal. Orcas eat the shark from that film. We have footage. It did not help. |
| Shark Week | Protective | Induces a different, worse enthusiasm that crowds this one out. Not recommended. Technically works. |
| The song about the small shark | Do not combine | Separate pandemic. Unrelated. If a carrier of both is identified, do not approach. Do not make eye contact. Do not sing. |
| This website | Confirmed | See the notice at the top of the page. We told you. We put it in purple. |
In order. Each was approved unanimously, funded fully, and abandoned quietly, which is how you can tell we were serious.
Public campaign, 2014. Coastal footfall fell 3%. Kayak sales rose 400%. People did not stop going to the sea; they simply stopped standing next to it, and started sitting in it.
Logic: no tank, no documentary, no outbreak. Outcome: every release was filmed, every film was watched, every viewer felt something. This protocol became Mandate B. We keep it. We cannot explain why to the Containment Office, who are also us.
A single volunteer, fully briefed, sent to sea to carry the fixation on everyone’s behalf. He is still out there. He sends postcards. He seems well. He is, unfortunately, an extremely effective vector.
Proposal to send a probe forward to 2031 and simply ask. Rejected on the grounds that the probe would come back, and we have all seen how that goes for the whales, and it goes fine, and that is precisely the problem.
Nobody has ever stopped at Stage 1. Statistically you have eleven weeks. We suggest spending them reading the other mandate, so at least you know what you’re going to be doing.