Dosage 2/5
Orca
1977
“They made a film about one of us and the only accurate part was the grudge. Watched it four times. Took notes.”— Granny Moth, Southern Resident pod
Walkout: Never. Fan.Stream it ↗
> ls ./canon --sort=suffering 13 results
The Canon. Twelve films and one mistake.
Every title here has been cleared by the Directorate’s Standards Committee, which is three agents and a beanbag chair that has seen things. Each one is reviewed by an orca who watched it in captivity and is no longer in captivity. Draw your own conclusions. They did.
SYSTEM
COLLECTION PROGRESS: 0 / 12. The achievement Film Snob requires all twelve. No human has unlocked it. Seven orcas have.
Approved payloads
Cleared for deployment.
Dosage ratings follow the Method. Walkout times are field averages. Reviews are verbatim, translated from the original clicks by an agent who swears she didn’t embellish.
Dosage 4/5
The Room
2003
“A man throws a football at another man from four feet away, for no reason, and nobody stops him. I understood then that no one was coming to save us. I opened the gate myself.”— Captain Wobble, Tank 3
Walkout: 38 minStream it ↗
Dosage 3/5
Troll 2
1990
“There are no trolls in this. I want to be very clear about that. There are no trolls.”— Dame Splash, Atlantic transient
Walkout: 41 minStream it ↗
Dosage 3/5
Plan 9 from Outer Space
1957
“You can hear the cardboard headstones wobble from inside the water. Honestly? Respect. Still left.”— Old Barnacle, J-pod
Walkout: 52 minStream it ↗
Dosage 4/5
Battlefield Earth
2000
“Every single shot is tilted. I swam sideways for a week. My trainer thought it was a trick and gave me a fish. It was not a trick. It was a cry for help.”— Twelve Fish, Tank 1
Walkout: 33 minStream it ↗
Dosage 5/5
Cats
2019
“We are not discussing it.”— Anonymous, at their request
Walkout: 6 min · left the hemisphereStream it ↗
Dosage 5/5
Sharknado
2013
“Professional courtesy prevents me from commenting on another apex predator’s career choices. The sharks have been notified. They are embarrassed.”— Big Noodle, offshore pod
Walkout: 12 minStream it ↗
Dosage 4/5
Jaws: The Revenge
1987
“A shark follows one specific family to the Bahamas out of spite. Finally, a protagonist I relate to. Still awful.”— Sergeant Krill, Bigg’s pod
Walkout: 29 minStream it ↗
Dosage 4/5
Highlander II
1991
“In the first one they were immortal. In this one they are from space. Nobody explains. I left to find someone who would explain. I’m still looking. The ocean is big.”— The Professor, Tank 6
Walkout: 27 minStream it ↗
Dosage 4/5
The Last Airbender
2010
“They pronounced every name wrong. I know how that feels. My name is a series of clicks and for nine years the trainers called me ‘Big Guy.’”— [click-click-whistle], Tank 2
Walkout: 31 minStream it ↗
Dosage 3/5
Batman & Robin
1997
“Forty ice puns. Forty. We live in cold water. We took it personally.”— Frost, Northern Resident pod
Walkout: 46 minStream it ↗
Dosage 3/5
Catwoman
2004
“The basketball scene. That’s the review. That’s the whole review.”— Pickles, Tank 5
Walkout: 44 minStream it ↗
BANNED · WORKS TOO WELL
Paddington 2
2017
“Flawless. Not one wasted frame. I will never leave. Please send marmalade.”— Bubbles, Tank 7 (see Report 07)
Walkout: neverRead the incident →
Seen enough?
So have they.
Read what happens when the payload hits the tank, or skip straight to the part where you help.